Huge shout-out to this person who has spent the last 50 years and 40 weeks in my life!
Turning 50 with a built-in best friend
(who looks like our mother’s side of the family,
while I channel our father’s side)
is the BEST!
I have no idea why my past mistakes are haunting me this week. I am okay with it, and it seems others are going down this same road with me. Maybe it’s the “new year/new you” mentality.
Over the last week or so many of my friends are posting the pros and cons of regret (via Facebook).
I understand both sides. The con point of view makes sense—you cannot go back and fix what you’ve done. You can’t go back and change the way you’ve handled that relationship/that job/those decisions.
I feel the exact opposite. I cherish my mistakes. I don’t enjoy them, but I certainly would not be who I am if I just simply moved on. I make mistakes at work. I make mistakes with my daughters. I have made mistakes with my (ex-)husband. I have made mistakes in my relationships, my friendships, and with my parents and my siblings.
This is not the first time that revisiting my regrets has haunted me. I keep focusing on my negative traits. I am avoiding responsibility. I am having trouble sleeping. I’ve been down this road. I know I need to focus on what I am trying to avoid. I need to pray. I need to remember my good qualities.
At this point I am revisiting my past with a sense of melancholy. I’ve made decisions that have hurt me, but I know they have bettered me. I have (had) some in my life who have needed to change, and I was not helpful to them. I have hurt people by decisions I’ve made; some by being selfish, but most because I realize the road we were traveling (business, friendship, relationship) were not panning out as they should. I do not make these decisions lightly, but pray very hard and try to make it the best path for all involved.
Knowing that some of these regrets are just that, regrets, and not mistakes doesn’t always make things easier. A great part of acknowledging and welcoming those regrets is that when I realize that while I regret the pain around it, I know that whoever is involved will eventually be on the path we all need to be on, it will not only not hurt anymore but lessons will be learned. I just wish it felt better sooner.
It’s been a while since I’ve even peeked at this blog. This time I cannot blame procrastination; it has been out and out avoidance. I put myself through a lot and let others push me through a lot. I am not trying to place blame on anyone; not at all. I am completely responsible for that, and how I handled it. The fact is I let it happen. That’s on me.
I felt like I lost ownership of this place online I call my own. It was not overt, but I was getting a lot of suggestions (of topics I didn’t want to cover), some pressure (to be funny, honest, mundane, etc.), and–truly–a bit of grief over my time allotments to this and other things in my life at the time. Rather than fight for or against it, as it just wasn’t in me and I had bigger issues to deal with at the time, I just stopped.
Looking back over the last few months, and looking over those two previous paragraphs has shown me just how very much I’ve spited myself in behaving that way. I like my blog. Who was I hurting by avoiding this? Only myself.
This is a comfortable place to express myself. I enjoy that and I plan to continue it. I will confess that my mindset is still easily overwhelmed, but I have at least three future articles started. I figured if I was going to sheepishly confess that I crapped out and sheepishly ask to return to your computer screens for a few minutes a week, I better get at least a little prepared. Right now I am shooting for once a week, unless I come up with something that *just can’t wait!* But that usually doesn’t happen once I take a breath and realize that not everyone is in my same mental spot.
Just a last note–a huge thank you to my friend Natalie for re-posting my last year’s blog, “The Best Day for Resolution Makers” and refreshing my desire to get back to this! God put you in the right place at the right time!